Crying

I wish I could understand my tears.  I used to control so much of my life.  And now, things have changed.  Seasons I guess.  I age, and as I age my emotions are allowed license to run amok.  The simplest thing can set my eyes watering and my chin quivering.  In public I can still muster the energy for the old hard heart, but in my isolation I cannot.

Abandonment

As a divorced man, I have to deal with man tumultuous feelings. Anger, elation, sadness just to name a few that I go through ever day. There isn't much that can keep me happy for more than a few hours. When I sleep I think of the events that precipitated my divorce, and I then cannot sleep. And let me tell you, insomnia sucks.

But the abandonment is the hardest to deal with. The feeling like you are the last one holding the bag. It is a very sad feeling. It really hurts, but there isn't anything that can be done. Family and friends are very helpful but, in the end, all I want is to understand what happened. I figured that I would have gotten over it by now, but everyday is the same. I end up having good days and bad, but all it takes is one little thing to remind me of her and I am back at square one. Even when I do try to connect with another woman, all it takes is one little behavior that reminds me of my ex....

I hide in my house, and try to avoid talking to anyone, for fear of them getting to me. So this is the start of my story, of avoidance to protect myself.

It begins...

This is where it begins...
There are times when I wonder if I can ever make a difference.
I would like to change the world around me, but my will has been sapped.